Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Conspiracy of Unlucky Fried Kitten

The Great Unlucky Fried Kitten Copy and Paste Conspiracy

Andy Export of the Maidstone pop band Unlucky Fried Kitten has today released the following statement:

It is an unfortunate truth that I have had to close the doors of the UFK Dollshouse…as from today…and for the foreseeable future. I’ll try to explain in simple terms…but some of the following information will seem astonishing. I ask you not to judge the following disclosures until you have ingested the data and accepted the situation with a broad mind. I’ll try to be concise but please remember two things. ONE…I am a musician and artist…my writing skills are limited to jolly little pop-songs with Unlucky Fried Kitten. TWO: The opinions expressed are entirely my own….but the facts are set in stone.

When I set up the UFK Dollshouse in 1997…..2 years after forming Unlucky Fried Kitten…my idea was to use it as an umbrella for like-minded pop bands…a holding house, if you wish, from which the venues and record companies of this world could pluck the lucky bands in the system. It didn’t go according to plan…though I did eventually gather a nice little group of pop acts eventually. Some of the acts are still with me. (The Bolans, I Am A Spider, The Cemetry Gaes, Mickey Apples, V2086, Death In Venice, The Cinzano Slagz, Rocker Billy, Faye McAdemy)

With the turn of the Millenium I could see a big change coming in music and I realised it was time to embrace the internet and multi-media side of music. No great shakes there…I’m sure that most people in the biz had sussed that out. However…I always wanted to be one step ahead…and that’s why I turned the UFK Dollshouse into a multi-functioning workshop and editing suite. I enlisted Rio…a programmer from Los Angeles…and we set about our colossal task…..based on the copy and paste principle. This is where it gets crazy. I accept that most of the people reading this will be disbelieving…and I understand that some will laugh behind their hands….but I’ll carry on…and try to explain. Rio and I brainstormed all the ideas for our project. We touched upon all the things that have now come to be normal in this biz….online gigs, internet tours from static sites, downloads,musician-agency networking etc. One thing that hasn’t been done is the “copy and pasting” of audiences. We studied hard and worked tirelessly to achieve results with this. It will never be as simple as it sounds…or as beautiful as it sounds….the copying and pasting of individuals to form an audience over the ethernet…but we know it can be done…and I’d bet my last dollar on the belief that it will be done by the year 2030…..that’s 22 years from now. It may not be done by Unlucky Fried Kitten (though we hope it will) and it might not come busting out of the doors of the UFK Dollshouse…but it will happen. We have made certain advancements….but we have suddenly found opposition from a whole host of big companies. This is starting to seriously hamper our progress. This is why we have had to close the doors of the UFK Dollshouse. The next post explains how we at Unlucky Fried Kitten…as a pop band….are being diverted from our task.

More of the Unlucky Fried Kitten Conspiracy.

Unlucky Fried Kitten have a vision. By the year 2030 they want to see instant audience assembly using the copy and paste principle. Here’s the current scenario: You finish work…and you want to go and see a band. You trawl through the gig-guides to see what’s on offer…and you have to restrict yourself to venues within reasonable travelling distance. Not a great choice. Here’s our UFK Dollshouse scenario: If you could “copy and paste” yourself to any venue…near or far…there are no limits. The Kaiser Chiefs in Glasgow…no problem. The Godfathers at Islington Academy…easy. Unlucky Fried Kitten at The Beirkeller Bristol…dig it. The Only Ones in Belgium….bring it on. One click and you’re there.

I’ve missed gigs before now…I’m sure we all have…where I’ve had the ticket for weeks…but on the night I was so exhausted that I couldn’t be arsed to make the journey. I’ve regretted it. The Buzzcocks at The Mick Jagger Centre in Dartford springs to mind. If the UFK copy and paste facility had been available I would have gone. When you consider the notion you soon realise that the principle extends to everyday life beyond our wildest dreams. You would copy and paste yourself to get to work. Copy and paste to Barbados for your lunch break. You wouldn’t even need to walk up the stairs when you go to bed. Click….you’re there. But where does this all take us? Is it too far? Is it a progress of gluttony?

Whilst Unlucky Fried Kitten (andy export and rio fraser) were considering all this..and working our little red fluffy socks off…we gradually became aware of certain rumblings in the motor car industry. We have knowledge of those concerns now. I’ll try to explain.

The automobile industry are…as we read…pumping millions of pounds into research for the development of an underground transport structure. The big motor car manufacturers are working in unison. They know that the car, as an individual mode of transport, will be a thing of the past in coming years. That will lead to a monopoly of sorts and it will change the industry. The new underground networks (and there will be many) will be pretty much the same as our current underground train system…so the actual conveyance machine will be owned by the network company. The big motor car manufacturers know that they have to jump onto this bandwagon…or go bust. By the time our copy and paste principle is really kicking in…at around 2030…the first underground travel networks….across the whole of the land…will be materialising. Also…by that time…the motor industry old guard will have pumped billions into research and development. It would be a travesty beyond comprehension for their plans and fortunes to be thwarted in one fell swoop by a snotty little punk pop band called Unlucky Fried Kitten….from Maidstone. Perhaps, now, our readers will understand why we (unlucky fried kitten) are very highly disregarded by the heirachy of the motor car industry. They know that if our copy and pasting of people works….their plans will be valueless and unusable…and their money will be gone. Unlucky Fried Kitten…as a pop band…will keep working with this…and they will do so from the Ufk Dollshouse. Unlucky Fried Kitten want to be the first band to have a copy and paste audience.

Experts have said that we have made just a 5% cut into the advancement of the technical age. If this is true then we can only imagine what advancements will be made over the next decade….and then over the decade after that. Sit yourself back with a cup of Earl Grey and consider how things were before we had some of our everyday items that we take for granted. Cameras, televisions, computers. radios, fax machines, mobile phones, cars, microwave ovens, cd players….so on and so forth. Those items and inventions all have one very strong thing in common. They would have been ridiculed had someone expressed their concept 3 decades before their inception. You’d be hard pushed to find anyone of decent mind who would disagree with that. Some of the things to come over the next 2 or 3 decades are quite easy to predict…they can be seen….metaphorically…coming over the hill as we read this. We will all be micro-chipped, that’s for sure. People are fussing about the introduction of i.d. cards right now….but in a decade or so the i.d. card will be as old-hat as the Betamax VCR you see at Big Berties Bouncy Boot Bonanza on a Sunday. Tagged at birth…without a question or doubt.(I don’t believe we’ll see detachable human heads in my lifetime…that’ll take a little longer…but it will come. You’ll take your head off at night and put it on charge. By this time, though, sleep will probably be a thing of the past…so you’ll need a spare head for use while the other one is being charged.) I predict that within 15 years…that’ll be around about 2023…we will have Complete Memory Restoration. With CMR you will be able to revisit any event from your past. You will be able to download your memories after you’ve revived them in your mind. Let’s take my case…of playing for the school football team. I played for Brenchley and Matfield Primary School in Brenchley, Kent in 1972….when I was 11 years old. I was the leading goal-scorer and it was one of the proudest times of my life. I was a bit of a goal-hanger…the manager constantly told me that…but I scored some memorable goals. With CMR I’ll be able to see those goals again….revisit the day and see it exactly as I saw it then. I won’t be able to watch the game from a spectator perspective…of course…unless I find someone who was there watching…and I can snag his download. CMR draws from an immense well which is your memory…and everything you have seen can be seen again and put into a viewing bank….much like YouTube. Within 25 years…at around 2033…we’ll be able to retrieve the recall of the dead. Not the long dead….the recently expired. The time factor will echo the time factor for the use of liver, kidney etc which happens now. So…we can see the last things a murdered person saw…..which will help solve more murders. As a footnote to that…it is a fact that we use eyes in transplants now. If you had said to someone 50 years ago “I reckon they’ll be taking eyes out of one person and putting them into someone else” they would have kicked you up the arse and rushed you off to the Looney Bin. Brain Transplants are common now…..not just unbelievable plot-lines for Dr Frankenstein. We have limb transplants now, of course, but it won’t be very long before we have interchangeable limbs. Another dead cert is that you will be able to choose the sex of your baby. I would bet my last dollar….this last dollar is doing me well….that it can easily be done right now. They just gotta be seen to be getting through the ethics of it.

In the next post you can find out more about one of our successful “copy and paste” experiments from the UFK Dollshouse. It really is quite fascinating.

Thursday, 2 October 2008

Unlucky Fried Kitten Earls Maidstone 2nd October 2008

Unlucky Fried Kitten are playing at Earls in Maidstone tonight...2nd october 2008
It is also Rio Fraser's birthday. Rio is the band's videographer....and she is giving up her birthday for her duty to Unlucky Fried Kitten.
Unlucky Fried Kitten are:
Andy Export....singer
Justin Strangeways....guitar and vocals
UFK will be showcasing their new song